Healing the grief...

After Elle Marie, I told myself that if ever I will be blessed with a son I would name him Euan Eli. Euan Eli after my brother John Eli who died when he was just 10 years old (I was 15) because of a car accident in Iloilo. One evil jeepney driver came back to bump his head to make sure that he is dead. Yes, there exist a human being who is capable of killing another human being because it is cheaper to have a dead victim instead of rushing him to the hospital-he is now in jail.

I missed my period for three months. After our Singapore trip, Noy and I decided to buy a pregnancy kit to check whether I am pregnant and the first one showed that I am. Still not that convinced, we bought another kit and checked. I am really pregnant.

Two positive results mean I have to see Dra Gigi, so we went to see her. She told me that my uterus is still small maybe it was an early detection and encouraged me to undergo an HCG test. It was supposed to be a blood test that will accurately show whether I am pregnant or not. But before I could even have the result, I had bleeding. I texted Dra Gigi that I might be having my period hence, I am not really pregnant.

BUT, it was not my period. It was my son. I lost him and I don't know why... I can't explain how I felt when I read my HCG result. I completely froze. I did not have any feelings for a split second. I wanted to cry but I could not bring myself to cry. I wanted to be strong but I know I am weak. I wanted to blame someone but I know that I only have myself to blame for loosing my son. I wanted to ask God why He allowed it to happen to me but I don't have the guts to hear what He has to say.

For now, I help myself appreciate what God has given me so far - Good family and friends, good husband, beautiful and healthy Elle Marie...

Thank you God.