To a loyal friend, a good companion, my baby, my first born...

I know I should but, I don’t know why I am not crying. I just lost a loyal friend, a good companion, my baby, my first born. Yet, all I can do is to stare blankly. I don’t want to hear the details of how and when. I don’t even want to look at Noy.

My heart says that I should explode and get angry. My heart says that silence is bad for me and that I should scream, swear, and shout as loudly as I want. My heart says I should cry but I don’t know why I am not crying.

Maybe, I am like this because I know it was my fault. I should have been there for her. I should have visited her last weekend, I should have taken her back to her family in Iloilo last Holy Week, I should have gotten her back to Makati so she can play with Elle. But, I was too selfish. I was only thinking of myself, my convenience, my own happiness.

I love Vampy ever since I first laid eyes on her in Iloilo. Her white fluffy fur, bright round eyes, cute and sweet eyes just captured my heart. There were two of them but, I chose her to be with me in Manila.

Vampy was so selfless. She loved me so much that she would pamper me with everything. She would allow me to put hair clips on her fur, pink ribbons and necklaces on her neck, wear dresses just to make me smile. Once, I was too excited with the new puppy nail-cutter I just bought for her and immediately started cutting her nails. She never complained! Even though I was unknowingly cutting her fingers already!!!

Vampy was there to me through thick and thin, through rich and poor. I remember she stayed with me the night I broke up with my former boyfriend. She never left my side. Nobody at home knew about the break up for one week and she stayed with me, just listening to my cries and comforting me through her hugs.

After that heartache, I told myself that should I find a new partner in life he should

love not just me but Vampy as well. Good that I found Noy. Noy loves Vampy so much and Vampy loves him so much. I never found a man who would literally want to bring my Vampy everywhere we go!

However, I had to give up Vampy because I was having Elle Marie. Too bad that the very thing made me bring her with me to Manila is actually the reason why she had to leave our house in Makati. Her white fluffy fur is bad for Elle Marie because she might develop asthma if she inhales it. I had no option but to bring Vampy to Pangasinan. That time, I told myself that Pangasinan is nearer than Iloilo. At least I can see her everytime we go to Pangasinan.

I told Noy once when they almost lost Vampy in Pangasinan, “Noy, I will never forgive you if something bad happens to Vampy here. Vampy and I have gone a long way… longer than our way!”. I could not believe that I was able to say that to my husband. Maybe that time I was too angry that I almost lost Vampy and he had the guts to still crack a joke (how insensitive, he said that every time I go to Pangasinan, Vampy should hide so that I will walk miles away and conquer the heat to look for her)

My friends warned me against having a pet. They said it’s a big responsibility and my pet will definitely break my heart if she leaves me. I know it will hurt but I didn’t know that it would feel this way. I don’t know if my heart is broken right now. All I know is that a part of me is missing and I cannot do anything about it. So now, I stay hopeless, numb and blank. I couldn’t bring myself to cry. I couldn’t bring myself to say the “g” word to Vampy. Maybe not now. I’ll see tomorrow.